Idk even where to start. I usually have a good idea then I arrive here & my brain is on hyper speed. At any rate, I always seem to end up here. At this plateau. Is it because we kissed too soon? No, it can’t be because of one thing. There are so many factors. So many facial expressions, or gestures, texts, in-actions all leading up to now. Most of which despite my desire not to we’re overthought. The overthinking is derivative of my immense feelings, though. I always cop out & say, “Oh it’s different this time around.” But, I really think… IT COULD BE. As in: having the potential to be. The thing about me is, I want you. I don’t just want sex. I don’t want to make out with you every five seconds. I want a constant. I want your mind. Your insight. Your reciprocation. I’ve said it before & you to me, I want your presence. You reminded me how to find happiness within. & that’s all fine & dandy. But I want to be the one who encourages YOUR happiness. Helps muster it out of you when you’ve lost your way a little bit. I want to talk with you. & talk some more. & go on the trips we joked about. I understand EVERY curveball that you’ve thrown my way. But what i don’t get is how irresponsibly you’ve chosen your words. You’ve said things & shown me things that set my insides on fire. In a good way. “I’d like to be your girlfriend someday.” “I care about you.” Etc. But then to drop this bomb of a sentence on me, my mind just does a 180. Like I said. I can be the most understanding person in the world. I pride myself on it. But this one is grinding my gears a bit. A lot has happened in your past some of it very recent. But I refuse to believe you are just one of those fucking girls who never stop loving their tormentor. Because he had more good days then bad or whatever may be the case. Loving him as a person i get. You don’t just delete memories like that. But still being in love with him? He doesn’t deserve your love. Now i don’t think I’m entitled to anything at all, but the fact that every day this seems more & more like something worth fighting for. Keeps me level headed. Prepared for any outcome, but aiming towards one. I don’t want to be together, I don’t want to take you away from anything right now. I don’t want to kiss if it’s what’s right ATM. What I want is much simpler than that.
#TBT in Utah w/ @cedricmufasa ❄️